Who Do You Love More, Mom Or Dad?

As the German psychotherapist Bert Hellinger, formulator of the theory of Family Constellations, says, for the woman the path towards the man passes through recognizing and appropriately valuing the mother.

If the daughter identifies too much with the father, it is largely because she has made him her god. This god will later become his implacable inner judge, the one who will dictate which values ​​and behaviors are “good” and which are “wrong”, what is or is not allowed and with what degree of demand deviations from this behavior are carried out. “Divine”. However, it is usually a repressive, normative god / man who creates guilt and who must be obeyed.

This is, without a doubt, an extremely limited image of masculinity ; We should bear in mind that just as there is a repressive, normative god who creates guilt and who must be obeyed without question, there is also another god, protector, kind and loving. It is a less widespread image, but that does not mean that it does not exist.

It is in our hands to value and nurture this model of fatherhood – and masculinity – based on love. Only in this way will the relationship with the daughter be one of respect and she will be treated in a way that makes her feel protected and cared for.

Within this model, the daughter will take her place and see her mother on the same level as her father. And she will understand and feel that the two of you form a balanced pair that she can reproduce in the future.

How to find your space as a daughter with a safe step

To break this dependency relationship, regain your place as a daughter and from there become a woman who fully integrates her feminine role as a positive one, you can follow this method.

1. Think about your ideal

• How would you like to be if you were perfect or the woman you aspire to be?
• Then write down the ideal that you think your father has about his wife.
• Observe the differences and similarities and ask yourself to what extent have you been trying to fulfill their ideal and what have you lost or gained by doing so.

2. Accept yourself

Start giving up your claim to perfection. We are people who sometimes do things well and sometimes not. We all have parts that we like and others that we don’t.

3. Make a list

• Write the personality characteristics of your father with as many adjectives as you can: cheerful, affable, demanding …
• Do the same with your mother’s and yours, and compare the three lists.
• Now see who you agree with the most. If you have much more of one than the other, it means that you have identified with one of the two.

4. Detect opposites

See if any of your most prominent features represents the opposite definition of how your parents are, ask yourself if you have consciously chosen it and if that characteristic is being useful to you in life.

5. Value the positive

When we identify exclusively with the father, we lose the possibility of valuing ourselves as women and becoming so fully.

If this is your case, try to see what are the positive characteristics of your mother – who surely has them – and try to find those traits in you.

Try to determine what you have demanded to be like him and what it would be like to start accepting yourself with your own virtues.

6. Believe in your power

The characteristics that we have are inherited from our father and mother and we cannot deny it.

The key is to realize that this does not condition us: what counts is what we do with it afterwards.

7. View the repair

Imagine your parents before you and thank them for what they have given you. If you find it difficult, think that thanks to what they gave you, be it positive or negative, you have become what you are.

Also give them back what they gave you and did not correspond to you. Say out loud whatever comes to your mind.

If you have to cry, do it ; if you want to scream, scream; if you get rage, let it sprout …

From there you can take your place as the daughter of your parents.