The Causes Of Fear Of Failure

A huge percentage of people today are held back and paralyzed by the fear of making mistakes. They do not dare to follow their intuitions or fight for their dreams. They’d rather stay stuck in monotonous and unsatisfying lives than jump into trying something new.

This breaks with the continuum of our species, since the human being is characterized by his exploratory eagerness, a thirst for knowledge that throughout history has pushed him to conquer every corner of the planet.

Thanks to this adventurous impetus, our ancestors dared to cross oceans, mountains and deserts, despite the fact that their companies, a priori, seemed to be doomed to failure. They did it because fear didn’t stop them when they went exploring.

Babies and young children also do not question whether they will be able to walk, eat by themselves, or learn to speak. They simply practice, improve, and if they fail, they try again. Why have we become so disconnected from that innate courage?

They have not taught not to allow us to fail

Many people who come to my practice feel paralyzed just thinking about trying something and failing in their endeavor. Most recognize that their greatest fear – the one that slows them down the most – is the fear of making a mistake. The origin of this paralyzing fear is in the infinity of limiting messages that children hear throughout their childhood and adolescence.

The ideological heritage of many families is full of “be careful, you can hurt yourself”, “if you are well, do not move” or “better known bad than good to know”. Therefore, children unconsciously assimilate that it is better to stay put than to dare to try something new and risk failure. They also internalize that launching into exploring new experiences is an extremely dangerous and damaging undertaking.

Children also receive this negative impact in schools, where error is systematically penalized. Rather than assuming failures as something natural and necessary in the normal learning process, students’ notebooks are filled with humiliating red marks, marking what they were wrong about, instead of praising what they learned and did well.

In addition, the notes condition the learning process and the fear of error is installed in them during all their childhoods and beyond. Who has not ever had the nightmare of going back to school and failing an exam?

Throughout their childhoods, these people have received thousands of messages that have reinforced the idea that daring to explore the unknown, to innovate, is risky and dangerous. As adults, these subjects have internalized this doctrine so much that the mere thought of introducing some change in their lives can cause an anxiety attack.

Paloma’s case and her unfounded fears

Paloma came to my office to tell me about her paralyzing attitude. In his first session he explained to me that, although he was not happy with his life, he did not feel capable of changing his situation either.

He was terribly afraid of risking making a change (in case it was not the right decision) and it ended up worse than it was. Although she herself understood the absurdity of his attitude, she found it impossible to make changes in her life.

In the following sessions we begin to talk about her family. Her father was an authoritarian man who always tried to motivate her through fear and humiliation. When she wanted to do something that her father did not like, he would tell her: “when it goes wrong, don’t come crying to me.” And if, even so, she decided to do it and failed, he would reprimand her with the classic “I already told you.”

His mother was a scary and fearful woman. He dared not do anything to change his static and safe life. That is why they always lived on the same floor and always went on vacation to the same town. Any change of plans was a tremendous catastrophe for her. The messages that Paloma received from her mother’s side were: “if you’re fine, don’t move” or “better known bad than good to know.”

Receiving these messages, Paloma learned to repress herself more and more when it came to daring something new. In the end it was no longer necessary for her parents to scare her: she herself was the one who held back and missed opportunities for change because her mind kept telling her over and over that changing something was dangerous.

How to leave fear behind

Throughout the sessions, Paloma understood how her parents’ sentences had slowed and limited her life. Thanks to his therapeutic process, he was able to free himself from paternal threats and maternal fears.

He began to change his perspective and to understand that obviously if you do nothing, you do not fail, but you are also missing the opportunity to learn new things and improve your life.

To put fear behind her, Paloma made small changes, such as changing her meal routines, cutting her hair the way she really wanted, or going to work in different ways.

Little by little, she felt more confident to face other more important changes in her life, getting closer and closer to what she wanted to do at all times.

What if millions of people around the world broke free from this fear of error and dared to fight for their dreams? The whole of humanity would advance and we could solve most of the problems (social, political, environmental, etc.) that threaten us. What if you dared to do the things you’ve always wanted to do? As happened to Paloma, you would live with much more joy and fulfillment.