Obsessed With Liking Others? Beauty Is Not Created, It Is Discovered

“Nothing interests people more than other people.” I get excited reading these words by Fernando Savater. And when repeating them, it seems impossible that something sometimes forgotten and even repudiated, does not rearrange itself in our head …

How could we not care about the rest of us? How could you do without your word? How should we downplay what they think of us? Isn’t the love of our fellow men our most precious possession?

Do we need to like everyone?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to please others, not even with our eager search for approval. The problem is not in this longing, but in two other pernicious factors in this search.

The first is the false decision, sometimes made without realizing it, that it must come from a specific person. Writer Hugh Prather says that we all need to feel approved, but now that we are no longer five years old, that approval does not necessarily have to come from our mother.

The second unhealthy aspect of our approach to this search is the price we are able to pay in order to achieve it, sometimes even at the cost of betraying ourselves.

How to please and be authentic at the same time

Obviously, the way out is not to repeat ourselves every morning: “I don’t give a damn what other people think.” Not even to say directly to the other: “Don’t tell me your opinion because I don’t care what you think of me” (among other things, because it’s never true).

The best behavior, or at least the healthiest, happens rather to accept and understand that my authenticity and the assessment I need are not excluded. In fact they can and should be conjugated. It is when that coincidence appears, and only then, when the encounter with others is really beautiful and comforting, both for ourselves and for others.

A story about authentic beauty

A couple of years ago, I was in Punta del Este, the most famous of Uruguay’s beaches, to give a conference and enjoy a little of the beautiful city. When my homework was done, I went out with a good friend for a walk around the small town.

Walking without a fixed address, we passed a bar that some acquaintances had recommended to us, insisting that they served very good coffee and used to offer a small live show.

That night, after coffee, a singer came on stage. She was a woman of medium height, with beautiful features, and appreciably overweight. She was Brazilian and displayed an enviable freedom in handling her body.

She moved gracefully, wearing tight leggings that marked her not shy curves and a top that exposed, with a certain self-confidence, the love handles that almost all the women we know try to hide.

I must confess that in that place and in that situation, which had a certain pretense of glamor and refinement, their appearance generated surprise and discomfort. A murmur ran between the tables and several spectators began to elbow or make complicit gestures. My friend did not escape this initial reaction and commented:

“Look at her, friend!” Do you think this girl can wear those clothes?

I gave him a disapproving look, but said no more, as the lights were already lowering, a sign that the show was about to begin. And then that woman surprised everyone again …

Her voice was of a moving sweetness, her wide smile conveyed the pleasure that she seemed to feel when singing, her movements were graceful and smooth as she moved on the small stage, carried away by the music.

Suddenly, the whole bar was captivated by that beauty, and especially my dear friend, who couldn’t seem to stop looking at her. After each song, he would turn his face toward me in disbelief and pleasure.

The show concluded an hour and a half after that wonderful display of virtuosity and the two of us, like the rest of the audience, applauded extensively. The woman thanked the applause with the same grace that she showed during her performance.

After the third round of applause, my friend jumped up from the table and headed for the stage.

-Where are you going? -asked.

“To try to get her phone …” He said smiling. I’d like to ask you out. It seems to me that I have fallen in love –he added wryly.

Show the beautiful: “uncover oneself”

I stayed at the table, satisfied, relieved and proud to see that, after all, I did not choose my friends so badly. I was left thinking that the beauty of this woman (perhaps like everyone’s) did not lie in how much she resembled the stereotypical model of a beautiful woman.

Her greatest charm came from her decision to show herself authentically as she was, without a trace of shame. It was like a wild and forceful declaration of higher self-esteem: “This is me, and I enjoy being who I am. I like me, I hope you like me too ”.

I am sure such an adequate statement does not develop naturally.

I am convinced that you learn. The good, very good news, is that I am certain that it is something that you do not need to learn day after day. Once you make it yours, it accompanies you forever.

Wise people do not decorate themselves by showing something they are not, nor do they hide with their arrangements what seems unharmonious to them, but, on the contrary, they try to make visible the beauty that they know is their own.

The true beauty of each one is not invented or built, it is discovered (uncovered) and shared with others.