The 5 “A” To Communicate Better

As social beings that we are, we have developed devices that allow instant communication between two people located each on one end of the planet. Physical distance is no longer a limitation or an impediment to connecting them.

However, the human being may be unable to understand with his coworker, his son or his partner. And we do not always manage to overcome the barriers that make it difficult for the messages issued to be always well interpreted.

Virginia Satir, a pioneer of communication and family therapy, said that communication is to personal health and personal relationships what breathing is to life. Learning to communicate better could facilitate the development of individuals, oxygenate couples, families and organizations, as well as avoid enormous suffering.

We are not always right, we must know

There are many authors who affirm that integrating an effective communication model could create a world of more peaceful and harmonious coexistence. In fact, the word communication comes from the Latin communis : “common”. Communicating is putting together and laying the foundations of a community in which all its members can show themselves, grow and satisfy their needs with the collaboration of those around them.

What obstacles should be overcome to enrich communication and, with it, relationships and life? Nothing can improve if there is no intention of knowing what he feels and what happens to the interlocutor. One of the engines of communication is the desire to understand what other people’s worldview is like, while its greatest enemy is the imperative need to be right.

” When communicating, one often seeks to feel stronger than the other. The person does not realize that more important than conquering power over the other is to maintain control over oneself. Sometimes the words that are spoken are not They only hurt others but also ourselves because of the image that they give back of one and the discomfort that they contain “ , points out Robert Long, NLP trainer at the Institut Integratiu de Barcelona.

Long tells this story of Idries Shah: “A guest came who called himself a seeker of truth and the innkeeper said to him:” If you are looking for the truth you need to have, first of all, a quality. ” guest -: a truly invincible longing. “” No, “the innkeeper corrected him,” an assiduous disposition to admit that you can be wrong. ”

It is not easy to show vulnerability or run the risk that by accepting the speech of the other our beliefs are dismantled. Throughout an authentic conversation, one can feel both caressed by words and offended by them. To truly relate is to maintain contact with the other, visiting – even for a few moments – their particular worldview.

The current social context does not contribute to this. Today communication rather stands as an instrument to reaffirm oneself, compete, sell a product or oneself, and even manipulate, instead of to know the other, learn, collaborate or grow with him.

The recipe for the five “A’s”

The challenge is to recover the true greatness and function of communication : enrich the subjective experience, which isolates the person, to get closer, coordinate, get excited and carry out projects by joining forces.

Experts propose applying the five “A’s”:

• Attention to listen to the other and offer them time (one might wonder how many times we are fully present in a conversation with a child, for example).
• Acceptance, which implies not trying to change the other or what he says, being aware that there are other truths and ways of evaluating reality.
• I appreciate to show respect in any condition, something that costs for the tendency to judge.
• Affection to keep it in mind and offer it, even if there are discrepancies in what is discussed.
• Openness to understand and integrate the other’s speech as much as possible.

The fear of listening

” Listening does not mean keeping quiet, but capturing with precision the person in front of you, listening to them with your eyes. Listening implies cultivating a state of inner silence to make yourself available to the other by lowering the volume of the constant internal speech that triggers reactions. Listening means stop before the other, tell him with body and mind: “this time is for you ‘” , says Ferran Ramón-Cortés, founder of the 5 Fars Institute, where it helps to improve communication and relationship skills. But it is difficult to overcome the inertia of haste and fear, two other major obstacles to communication.

Ferran warns: “Many bosses are afraid to listen to their employees in case they have complaints or demands that they cannot attend to. It also occurs in families when they prefer not to address depending on what issues for fear of the emotions that they may trigger.”

“The brain blocks listening to what the other says and it does not fit with my map – continues Ferran -. Experiments have been carried out with politicians, among others. When leaving a debate they are asked about the basic content of their opponent’s speech and they don’t remember it. Because the brain is selective and only lets in messages that reaffirm their beliefs! “

Ferran sums up: ” If I think you are a bore, I only perceive what confirms what I think. Communication is a short-sighted game. We are basically within ourselves . “

Expanding this biased view involves taking responsibility for the results that are obtained with the communications that are made and that for the most part are a vivid reflection of our internal dialogues. Being more aware of them will therefore help, as well as setting a clear goal.

Sol Martínez, NLP trainer and psychotherapist, affirms: ” Instead of reacting automatically, it is convenient to ask yourself: What is happening to me? How do I feel when these words occur ? And also: What is my true intention: to be strong, to convince, to get closer …? What emotions does my speech hide? Why do I say this? Otherwise, one gets carried away and ends up in the place from which he wanted to flee “ .

And he adds: ” There are people who would never validate the intention of their communication if they were aware of it: they would not accept that part of themselves that tries to control their partner or manipulate for their own interest.”

The four magic keys of language

Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (Ed. Gran Aldea), has created a model for implementing this type of communication between children. He distinguishes between the style of the jackal and that of the giraffe: the jackal forces, gives orders, compares, judges, analyzes, moralizes, accuses; the giraffe, with its long neck, has good perspective and clear vision.

When you feel mistreated or want to impose your desire, you tend to use the language of the jackal that divides. According to Rosenberg, generalizations when speaking (“always”, “never”, “everything”, “nothing” …), comparisons and accusations create a climate of alienation and distrust that predisposes the interlocutor against .

In contrast, the language of the giraffe unifies, embraces the negative part of the other with compassion, speaks from the heart and retains feelings, whether positive or negative.

The giraffe has four magic keys :

• The key to the mouth, which opens the heart to express itself.
• The lock of the ears, which helps to listen openly, without judgment or haste to respond.
• The key of the eyes, that observes, learns and gets to know those with whom we communicate.
• The key to the heart, which only opens with the other three keys above.

This communication model has been shown to increase cooperation and mutual listening in children and reduce the level of violence. With him the needs of all are valued equally. And when the person you disagree with perceives that there is a real interest in what you are feeling, you relax.

“The judgments we make about others are the expression of our unmet needs. We have to focus more on what we want instead of what is wrong with others or with us, ” Rosenberg emphasizes.

Communicating is learning to dance as a couple

The couple is accused when a personal need has not been satisfied. A father gets angry with his son if his expectations have not been met. In those cases, speaking from the rejection in turn provokes that of the other person. According to Ferran Ramón-Cortés, ” to compensate for the effect of a criticism, at least five compliments are required. But in the workplace it is found that there is one compliment for every ten criticisms. In addition, one is very precise when criticizing and very little when it comes to praising “.

It should be clear that people cannot change or have to act according to our will, as well as investigate what is the need that the other seeks to cover with their words. Communicating is learning to dance with the other, holding out one hand to accompany him, while the other remains close to the heart to make sure that he expresses himself authentically and lets part of his vulnerability emerge.

” The difficulty lies in combining self-realization with self-transcendence, because it is as important to express and ask for what one needs with empathy and affection as it is to understand the other and allow oneself to be impregnated by their speech. If you want to create a we, an excess is so harmful of attention to the self as an exaggerated care of the you “, points out Anna Forés, co-author of The assertiveness, for extraordinary people and The Resilience, growing from adversity (both in Ed. Plataforma). Finding this balance is lifelong learning. But in the same way that if a neuron does not interact it dies, the life of a person without healthy communication is suffocated.

The four stages of communication

Marshall B. Rosenberg proposes dividing communication into four stages:

1. Observe the specific words and actions that affect well-being. Describe the situation without judgment: “I see …”, “I hear …”, “The situation is …”.
2. Identify and express the emotions that have been generated: “I feel …”.
3. Discover what unmet needs, values ​​and desires are behind this feeling: “My need is …”, “I would like to …”.
4. Formulate a concrete, positive and feasible request : “Please could you …”, “Would you be willing to …?”

The final formula would be: when “a” happens, I feel like “b”, because what I need is “c”; therefore, I would like “d”. ” Beyond the ideas of acting good or bad a field extends. There we will meet. ” (Rumi).