3 Keys To Delimit The Spaces In The Couple
To build a healthy couple bond, it is convenient to differentiate personal spaces and shared spaces. This topic usually generates conflicts and tensions, but if three simple agreements are established, each one will be able to enjoy their life more and the couple will be strengthened.
In a healthy couple, three instances are delimited: the personal space of one, the personal space of the other, and a shared space that constitutes the couple itself.
In practice, each of these spaces is translated into times, activities and issues. Then there will be timeshares and times for each of them. So far, so good. What happens is that in practice this mode of interaction tends to deviate in two opposite directions, both harmful: or they forget personal spaces or shared spaces.
We must try to keep these three spaces in balance. Although it may be difficult at times, it is worth trying, as it constitutes a fundamental pillar in the establishment of a sustainable couple relationship over time and enriching for those who form it.
When there are no personal spaces
What happens more frequently in couples is that personal spaces are reduced depending on the shared space. Those who adopt this type of structure are often influenced by a cultural ideal that holds that when two people form a couple, they cease to exist as separate entities. It is the ideal of fusion: “Now we are one.”
Fortunately, this state is impossible to achieve, but it can function as a horizon and lead to personal spaces being reduced to a minimum. These couples have good intentions: agree on everything, share as much as possible, know everything about each other.
They think that’s what love is all about, but they often end up with a feeling of suffocation.
“He or she suffocates me,” they often say, but the problem is not the other, it is that there is little air between them because they are too close and they feel confined and impoverished.
When there are no timeshares
There are couples who expand their individual spaces at the expense of the couple’s space, which is considerably smaller. They do not invade each other and the spaces they share, although scarce, can be true and valuable.
However, they lose two important things : the possibility of projecting into the future and the ability to accompany and support each other in critical moments, since they usually exceed the space that both have conferred on the couple.
3 rules to find balance
And then, how much space should there be for the couple and how much for each one? When is it too close and when is it too far? There is no universal answer, each couple will have to find their balance, the place where they do not feel suffocated or distant.
Discussing what remains within the couple and what belongs to personal spaces is necessary to be clear about when we are in one field or in the other. However, it is desirable that these discussions do not turn into future fights or animosities. To do this, three fairly simple “rules” could be formulated:
- 1. Balance is not equal to equality
It is important to note that the needs between personal space and shared space are not necessarily the same for both.
One may need more personal space than the other, and that shouldn’t be a reason to be offended or feel less loved. It is not a matter of distributing equally, but of respecting the needs of each one, that no one feels that there are things that they cannot do because they “dedicate” more to the couple.
That the couple occupy more space proportionally for one than for the other will cause discomfort if we turn it into a fight for power, dignity or to elucidate who loves more. It is about both feeling comfortable in their personal lives without, for this reason, losing the support and enrichment that the presence of the other provides …
- 2. Unanimity in the common space
For something to be in the couple’s space, it is necessary that we both decide to place it there. If one of the two does not want to, he cannot force the other to make something part of the common space, to share what he does not want to share.
I often hear this complaint: “We only see each other when he (or she) wants to.” I usually answer that this is not entirely true, because for two to see each other they both have to want it. “But I always want to” is the answer that usually follows. It is not true, nobody wants to be available at all times and at all times ; and, if so, the other does not have to want the same thing and would not be at fault for that.
- 3. Freedom in the individual space
The opposite happens with personal spaces as with shared spaces : it is enough for one of the two to decide to place something in it for it to be accepted. I can’t tell you “don’t do” this or that thing because I don’t like it. If I can’t stand you taking singing lessons because the teacher is a handsome young man, I can ask you not to talk to me about it, not to be part of our shared space, but I can’t tell you to leave it.
It is true that there are some issues that cannot be put in the personal space without having an impact on the couple and, therefore, they necessarily remain in the common space.
